Menopause, Pain, Autoimmune Disease, and Resentment
Women are at greater risk of autoimmune disease than men. A recent Stanford study linked this disparity to genetics: women have two X chromosomes in every cell and this generates antibodies that target the second X chromosome But not all women get autoimmune disease: 6.7 million are diagnosed out of a US female population of over 167 million.
The medical world is still flummoxed over what causes some people to get an autoimmune disease. What is the trigger? If we don't know what's causing it, how can we prevent it? We can't, and that's scary. If you’ve read any of my other blog posts, you know that I advocate for taking charge of your health, do what you can to prevent future problems, and don't be a victim. So this has been an open question for me over the last 15 years as I watch friends my age(and myself!) being diagnosed with autoimmune disorders. There must be something we can do to protect ourselves from this. Some researchers suggest that illness and autoimmune disease may be caused by unresolved trauma or unexpressed emotions. This is some fascinating work being done around trauma's effects on the body.
While we are focused on the physical interventions to prevent and heal inflammation such as diet, exercise, supplements, rest, and more, we also need to address how our emotional state might contribute to our symptoms. For years, I suffered painful knots in my shoulders and back. This caused terrible headaches. Nothing took these away. I tried massage, chiropractic adjustment, herbal supplements, tub soaks, lotions, electric nerve stimulation, stretching, heating pads, cold packs– you name it. These soothed the pain and tightness temporarily, but the next morning I was back to the pain and suffering. These symptoms had plagued me for decades. I remember experiencing shoulder and neck pain as early as a twelve-year-old. This continued to worsen into adulthood until I could no longer lift my arms above my head. My range of motion was limited. I was in my early forties, yet I couldn’t pull a shirt over my head without difficulty. My doctor suspected that an autoimmune disorder was to blame for the painful knots, because nothing was helping. Massage, chiropractic adjustments, hot and cold therapy… nothing helped. The tightness led to headaches, and then my neck began to hurt. It was almost unbearable.
After getting an MRI, my doctor diagnosed me with a bulging disc between C4 and C5 in my neck. I was in constant, excruciating pain for years. I was told that injections, traction, or surgery were options, and my doctor made it clear that, even after treatment, the relief would only last a few years and the pain would return. I chose traction since it was not invasive, but it was expensive and time consuming. My insurance didn't cover it. But it was worth it, because it worked. Unfortunately, a few years later the pain returned. It wasn't as painful as before, but I knew I knew it would continue to get worse. My plan was to tough it out again until I could no longer tolerate the pain, then repeat the traction procedure.
Around this time, I found a book on my friend Stephanie's shelf: The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. The title immediately grabbed my attention, and I instinctively understood what the book was about– the effects of psychological trauma on our bodies. This book is not an easy read, as it's somewhat dry and technical. Since its publication in 2014, some researchers have criticized the author's findings, but others have given the book excellent reviews. So, Dear Reader, as in all things, you must decide if the information is right for you. Either way, van der Kolk’s explanations of how psychological trauma affects our physical bodies made so much sense to me: if we are holding on to painful past experiences or stuffing our emotions, we can end up with unexplained pain, disease, and disorders. I couldn't help but wonder if I needed to address my own unresolved past hurts in order to heal my body. My doctors always mentioned stress and anxiety as a possible cause (along with the suspicions of autoimmune disease) of the painful knots, tension, and muscle tightness that eventually led to my bulging disc; however, the treatments presented to me were always physical interventions. At no point did anyone in the medical community suggest mental health treatment as another avenue. My doctors would mention that I needed to find ways to de-stress (long walks, bubble baths, aromatherapy), but nothing addressed the root of what was causing the stress and anxiety. I knew I had to face my past hurts (stuff from my childhood, first marriage, and present marriage)... all the emotions I had stuffed and not expressed were still there festering inside of me. They were not going away, and I knew they would continue to eat me alive and keep causing physical pain and suffering until I had the courage to shed a light on it.
As I was coming to this realization, I discovered the work of Gabor Maté, a psychologist who recently published the book The Myth of Normal (thank you Spotify audiobooks for the recommendation!) Maté asserts that Western society's concept of medicine and healthcare is split into 1) a biological view and 2) a psychological view. These two camps do not interact– if you have physical pain, you go to a medical doctor; if you have a mental condition (like anxiety, burnout, or depression) you see a psychiatrist. As I listened to the audiobook, I couldn’t help but think about my own experience with my health and medical interventions. I had to admit that my chronic pain had never been cured, just managed. Physical medical interventions just masked the symptoms or provided temporary relief. I wanted to discover and cure the UNDERLYING CAUSE, but Western medicine doesn't acknowledge that this is even possible. If there was a way I wanted to find it, and I figured that looking at a possible connection between my past trauma and my pain couldn't make things worse. After reading those two books, I was encouraged. I had nothing to lose.
Another major point in Maté’s book was that these chronic conditions (anxiety, depression, autoimmune disease, high blood pressure, and so many more) are now considered normal. How many times have I heard that the knots in my back were just a normal part of having a stressful job, or that my bulging disc was just part of aging? We wear out as we age, they said. Or that my rheumatoid arthritis (remember my post about the painful cysts on my finger joints?) was just part of menopause or that autoimmune disease… who knows? Maté exhorts that this is “the myth of normal.” We can reject what society has deemed normal. Instinctually, we know that believing this faulty narrative is causing pain. This narrative wasn't serving me, so I knew I needed to look at it another way.
How I Looked into the Past and Found Pain Relief
After much soul searching and journaling, it was crystal clear: for my entire life, I stuffed my feelings and avoided conflict. I never expressed what was bothering me or what I needed in my relationships. I was raised with the adage, “don't come crying to me, or I'll give you something else to cry about!” I can recognize this now as a threat and manipulation. When I was at my most vulnerable and hurting, the reaction I got was the exact opposite of what I needed. In my pain, I needed to be comforted. I needed someone to listen, understand what I was feeling, tell me it was going to be okay, and give me a tender hug. Instead, I was met with rejection. My feelings weren't valid. My feelings were making others uncomfortable. And that was not acceptable. I was not accepted. My feelings were not accepted. So at a very tender age, I learned to stuff my feelings. I learned that no one wanted to hear them. I learned that my feelings were an imposition on this world. I learned that I should never express my true feelings, especially to those close to me. To the ones that I loved. If I really loved them, I would not impose my feelings on them– even if they were the ones that hurt me. This is what I learned as a child, and I chose my friendships and romantic relationships with this faulty idea. No wonder my life has been a series of broken relationships and disfunction. My past is full of trauma, hurt, and pain. For my health, I had to figure out what I needed and then ask for it.
What I Needed...
I started with my marriage of 16 years. I told my husband I was overwhelmed and needed some rest. I told him I couldn't do it all. And he listened! He cared. That's all I needed– to feel seen and heard. Validated! It felt like a weight had been lifted, but I wasn't done. With the help of a family therapist, we learned better communication skills. Together, we read the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. We would read, and then stop to talk gently with one another about our past hurts as they begin to bubble up to the surface. As time passed, we learned to trust each other as we shared our pain. I learned that ALL marriages, even “good” ones (whatever that is) have problems, and I needed to communicate my hurt. My husband's only job in those moments is to stop the world, lean in, and listen. It took some time for us to learn this, and we were really terrible at first, but, Dear Reader, I can attest that when this started happening on a regular basis, it felt like a healing balm for my soul. No more stuffing my emotions! It felt good. No, it felt amazing!
No More Pain in the Neck!
The first time I sat down with my husband and shared my true feelings, cried, and told him how much I needed him to listen (and a long, sweet hug), I immediately felt as if a weight had been lifted. I physically felt lighter– and a few centimeters taller. Dear Reader, it's difficult to explain how I felt such a release of the tension that had been building in me for years– maybe decades. Yes, probably my entire life. When had I ever honestly shared what I wanted or needed with others? I was the people pleaser who was always trying to give others what I thought they wanted and needed– I never asked, just assumed. Then I would feel resentment toward those people when they didn't read my mind and reciprocate. The reality was that I was butting into other people's lives, giving advice, trying to help them in ways they did not appreciate, and then expecting them to show gratitude for it. No wonder my relationships were a mess!
But now I was seeing things differently. Before that first session with my husband, I had felt overwhelmed, depressed, confused, and bitter. I felt sick– emotionally and physically. But after that good long cry and expressing my needs to another human who cared about me, I immediately felt relief. Again, I cannot explain the physical and mental change that happened for me. I felt a deep sense of calm and relaxation. The tension in my neck, shoulders, and back released. I could think clearly. It was wild! I knew I had to keep expressing myself in my marriage, family, friendships, and work relationships (when it was appropriate, of course). I couldn't keep stuffing my emotions and allowing resentment to build. At the same time, I had to refrain from butting in and helping others in ways that were not helpful– I had to start listening to what others needed and stop assuming. I had to start asking, “what do you need from me right now?” Magic words! Some of my family and friends had never heard anyone ask that question to them before. If you want to see someone fall off their chair in disbelief, ask them that question! 😂
As I'm writing this, it's been exactly one year since I had that first conversation with my husband. We've had many more since then. I started having similar conversations with my family and friends. I started having those conversations at work (when appropriate). And let me tell you, it wasn't easy. It was terrifying at first, but it got easier. And I always felt as if a weight was taken off my shoulders. And those painful knots in my shoulders and back? They have not returned! The pain and tension in my back, shoulders, and neck (and resulting tension headaches) are gone.
I know it sounds too good to be true, but it happened for me. Nothing else cured this pain and discomfort. All of the doctor visits, pain meds, supplements, massage, stretching, hot and cold packs, Pilates classes, etc., provided only temporary relief. According to my calendar, the last chiropractic appointment I had was on May 11th, 2023. I had been a regular patient for almost 16 years, doing monthly maintenance and in- between visits for my pain. For me to skip my monthly chiropractic appointment was unheard of. I couldn't go a month without an adjustment, so to go for over a year without an adjustment and not have that pain return? The only way I can explain it is that I'm dealing with the root cause. All of the equipment I had used for pain, hot and cold packs, pain relievers, topical creams, and my Theragun are now collecting dust. My pain was caused by the buildup of emotion. Over time, all those feelings that I never released and stuffed deep inside– THESE were the cause of my physical pain. The body really does keep the score.
Dear Reader, I know that not every health issue, autoimmune disease, or ache and pain can be solved with a good cry and a conversation. That is NOT what I am suggesting. But what I AM suggesting is this– if you are suffering emotionally or physically, and medical interventions are not providing lasting relief or addressing the root cause, I strongly encourage you to look inward. Are you expressing what you need from your relationships? Do you even know what you need?
Most of the women I'm hearing from are saying, “no.” Many have never considered that they could and SHOULD have emotional needs! I had felt the same way– and it was killing me physically.
What Next?
If you are ready to start expressing your emotions, please do not march into your husband's man cave, dump his frosty beverage onto his head, stand in front of the big screen tv, and demand his attention. That won't work! Find a quiet time to be alone, hold hands, walk up to the park, and sit on your favorite bench. Kindly and gently share how much you need him, and share your heart. This is not the time to fight or argue. This is simply you expressing emotions, and his job is to listen, not fix! When I first shared my feelings with my husband, I just told him that I felt like we had been roommates all these years, not two people in love. I told him that I missed him and I wanted to be closer. I told him I felt overwhelmed at my job and trying to manage our household without him. I cried and was vulnerable. It wasn't easy. but I kept it about ME, and I did not blame him. This is important. I just needed to express my emotions to the one person who vowed to honor and cherish me for life.
For all of our marriage, I didn't express my feelings with my husband, because he had extreme anxiety from his terribly stressful work environment. I thought I was helping him by keeping him from having to “deal with my problems.” I now know that was terribly wrong. I should have trusted him with my feelings, but I had learned in childhood that that's not how marriage worked, and a “good” wife shouldn’t bother her husband when he’s already so stressed out. What a lie! And in turn, my husband did not share or confront the problems he was facing in his work life. For years we just stuffed our feelings. This is probably what led us down the path of feeling like roommates and virtually no honest communication. This contributed to my health issues. I’m sure it’s no surprise to learn that my husband has a laundry list of his own health issues: high blood pressure, anxiety, inflammation, and more. But we are both doing the hard work to heal the hurts, both inside and out. I feel as if I lost precious years of getting to know and love my husband. I refuse to make that mistake again.
Dear Reader, this is a process that takes time to learn. If you have access to a good marriage counselor or a trusted therapist for yourself, great. If not, there are some resources that helped me understand how pent-up emotions were harming my physical health and the ways I could reverse the damage. At the bottom of this post, I’ve listed resources. I have read every book and listened to or watched the podcasts and videos so that I can honestly recommend them to you. Hopefully, you can find something that helps you. And as difficult as this might be, you will never regret voicing your needs and using your voice to connect to the world around you.
Here's to your health– both inside and out!
Jennifer Kaye
Books
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.
The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, M.D.
Podcasts and Videos